The idealization phase in a psychopathic relationship
Bron : Psychopathfree.com
1. We have so much in common
We see the world the same way. We have the same sense of humor. We’re both so empathetic, constantly helping out our friends & family members. We are perfect for each other.
The psychopath repeatedly drills these points home, often times even going so far as to say: “we’re practically the same person.” They spend most of the idealize phase listening to you and excitingly responding that they feel the same way. You will eventually come to think that they’re the only person you’ll ever meet who’s so similar to you. And you’re right. Because it is flat-out impossible (and creepy) for two people to be identical in every way.
Normal people have differences. It’s what makes life interesting. But psychopaths can skip this complication because they don’t have an identity. They do not have a sense of self. They don’t have life experiences that shape their needs, insecurities, and fantasies. Instead, they steal yours. Like a chameleon, they will transform every part of their personality to become your perfect match.
2. We have the same hopes and dreams
The psychopath will consume your present life, but they will also take over your future. In order to raise the stakes in the relationship, they will make many long-term promises. This ensures that you are highly invested in the relationship. After all, who wants to stick around for a romance that has no potential future?
The psychopath takes this a step further, quickly discussing major life events like marriage and moving in together. These are decisions that typically take years in a healthy relationship. But you don’t need all that time. You already know you’ll be spending the rest of your life with them. If you’ve always dreamed of a family and kids, they will fit that role perfectly. If you want to start a business, they will be your right-hand man/woman. If you’re in an unhappy marriage, they will have a plan ready to replace your spouse. You will notice that these plans always seem to involve some sort of sacrifice on your end—never theirs.
3. We share the same insecurities
They will never actually say this, of course. But psychopaths can sniff out vulnerabilities in a second. They will mirror your insecurities to drive up your sympathy—so that you attempt to heal their problems with the same care you might hope to receive yourself.
Empathetic people are not attracted to blatant butt-kissing and over confidence. You’re attracted to the innocent, sympathetic person. This increases exponentially when you also recognize their insecurities as your own. You see someone feeling inferior, and you believe that you know how to make them feel better.
The psychopath is like no one else, because they genuinely seem to adore all of your efforts. They compares you to past exes, idealizing you above everyone else. It’s as if all of your energies finally have a purpose, after likely being frustrated with the unending, not-so-appreciative complaints of others.
If you perceive the psychopath in a sympathetic light, your natural instincts kick in, and you do everything you can to prove how much you care. Psychopaths see insecurities in a very different way—a tool for manipulation and control. Their childlike “baby” routine is a perfect way to mask these intentions.
4. You are beautiful
Psychopaths are obsessed with the way you look. You will never meet another human being who comments so frequently on your clothes, your hair, your skin, your pictures, or whatever other superficial quality they choose to focus on that day. At first, these feel like compliments. They can’t believe how beautiful or handsome you are—they don’t even feel worthy of being your partner. They walk around the park and can’t find a person more attractive than you (how this is a compliment, I’m not quite sure).
Going along with the above point about insecurities, you begin to return all of this flattery. You want to make sure they feel adequate—that they understand how attractive you think they are. And that’s what they’re aiming for. By showering you with compliments, they know they can expect the adoration to rebound shortly. Suddenly, they become very comfortable sharing photos of themselves with you. Your relationship becomes an unending exchange of praise and approval.
You begin to place your self-esteem into their words, because they are so reliably positive. You can actually feel yourself glowing. Your body goes through changes as your confidence rises with their every word. You spend more and more time improving your appearance to keep them impressed.
5. I’ve never felt this way in my life
This is where the comparisons begin. They hold you in high regard, far above all of their other relationships. They explain—in detail—every one of the reasons you are better than their exes. They can’t remember the last time they’ve been this happy.
You will constantly hear sweeping declarations like, “I can’t believe how lucky I am.” Statements like these play on your innate desire to make others happy. They convince you that you’re providing them with a special sort of joy, something that they cannot find in anyone else. This becomes a point of pride for you—knowing that you are the one they want, despite all of their other admirers.
The psychopath will refer to you as “perfect” and “flawless”, which becomes an overwhelming source of cognitive dissonance when the words inevitably change to “crazy” and “jealous”. As you work through these memories, remember that their compliments were always shallow and calculated. They do it with everyone. For each target, the idealize phase will be different. However, one thing remains true throughout each relationship: they really have “never felt this way” in their life. Psychopaths do not actually feel the love and happiness that they so frequently proclaim. They oscillate between contempt, envy, and boredom. Nothing more.
6. We are soul mates
Psychopaths love the idea of soul mates. It implies something different than love. It says that there are higher powers at work. That you are meant to be together. It means that they consume your entire being—mind and body alike. It creates a psychic bond that lasts long after the relationship has ended.
Perhaps there is a small part in all of us that longs for a soul mate. The perfect person to complete our lives. Someone with whom we can share everything—a lover and a best friend.
And there is nothing wrong with that. I cannot stress this point enough. Psychopaths will manipulate your dreams and fantasies, but that does not make them weaknesses.
Psychopaths lack a conscience
Psychopaths know the intellectual difference between right and wrong. They understand society’s expectations. They understand what moral behavior is supposed to look like. They even understand that actions have consequences. The problem is, they do not care. They do not feel remorse or guilt. They have no inner compass to guide them, and so they do exactly what they want at any given moment. This lack of conscience means that it does not matter to them if they trample on the rights, feelings, or safety of others. It means that they have no limits and are therefore capable of anything; it is a recipe for endless cruelty and depravity.
Psychopaths feel a limited range of human emotions
Psychopaths are emotionally crippled. They feel anger, rage, and envy in full force, which fuels aggressive behavior in many of them. But the rest of their emotions are shallow and fleeting. Because of this disability, psychopaths are unable to truly connect with other people. They are unable to have real empathy for others, because they cannot relate to emotional pain. And, most ominously, they are unable to love. This emotional defect also means that they must spend their entire lives watching others and learning to imitate behaviors that they are unable to engage in naturally; in this way, they become demented chameleons. They are pathetic and empty, and this makes them chronically bored. The boredom is almost painful for them, and they will do anything to alleviate it. This contributes to their tendency to act impulsively and recklessly. And ultimately, they will do anything and everything to get rid of their boredom because, having no conscience and no empathy, they do not care who gets hurt in the process.
Psychopaths view everything in life—including relationships—as games to be won
Psychopaths have an insatiable need to win. This desire to win is so strong that they sometimes will take themselves down in the process of becoming the “winner.” Because they are unable to build real relationships, they view their interactions with others as games. Other people are simply pawns to be played. And because they have no conscience, they make up their own unethical rules for those “games.” They use tactics like mirroring, deception, projection, gaslighting, pity plays, and other forms of emotional and physical abuse to idealize, manipulate, confuse, and intimidate others, all in the name of “winning.”
Psychopaths live to exploit others
The ultimate purpose of every psychopath's life is to do whatever it takes to get what he or she wants at that moment. Since they do not understand love, they view other people as objects to be obtained, used, and then discarded. And so in all their interactions with others, they follow a particular pattern—idealize, devalue, and discard—over and over and over again. They are constantly scoping out potential targets and assessing them as sources of supply; they might want money, a place to live, sex, a cloak of normalcy, or a short-term thrill. They often throw people away suddenly and brutally, ignore them for days, months, or even years, and then contact them again as if no time has passed and all is well. Their desires change unexpectedly and abruptly, and nothing stops them from pursuing those desires in any way they can.
Psychopaths believe they are superior beings
Psychopaths see nothing wrong with using people and then throwing them away. They feel completely justified in lying, cheating, stealing, and manipulating others. In fact, not only do they see nothing wrong with their behavior, they actually believe that they are incredibly superior to other people! Every time they are able to con their targets, they view that as evidence of the targets’ weakness. And, they do not suffer from low self-esteem or insecurities (although they often pretend to “feel” that way in order to manipulate others). On the contrary, they are egotistical and arrogant. And this makes it impossible for them to benefit from therapy, and it makes it impossible for them to change. Why should they change, when they believe they are already better than everyone else? This, I believe, is the main reason why there is no cure for psychopathy.